When my marriage of 18 years ended, I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster.  I was grieving the loss of a dream of an intact family and a life-long partner while at the same time I felt like an uncaged bird freed to enjoy a second chapter in my adult life.  My other emotional stressor was my fear and concern for how my divorce would impact my kids.  For me it was easier to deal with the emotional side of this overwhelming life transition in small chunks over a very long period of time.  I definitely compartmentalized some of the pain to process later when I could tell I was getting overwhelmed by hard emotions.  And even five years after my divorce, I am still working through some of the anger, sadness and guilt that comes with divorce.

For us custody was not an issue which was lucky, that makes it much more difficult, so it was purely a financial negotiation. Once I hired a lawyer, I got into super focused divorce mode.  Preparing for mediation became my part-time job.  I did my research online, had a very strong support system who helped me analyze our finances so that I had a very clear idea of what a reasonable settlement would look like for me based on Florida statutes, the length of our marriage and our financial picture.

I knew that I needed an outcome that would provide me some time to create a foundation to be able to take care of myself and my kids.  I had always worked in both Corporate America and then as a contractor and a Yoga Instructor but my ex was the primary breadwinner and my career took a back seat once the kids arrived. 

I spoke to everyone I knew who had been divorced to get their lessons learned.  I created a divorce binder that had every single document you can imagine with tabs and sticky notes so that I felt confident and empowered when I went into mediation.  I would go for long walks thinking through what I realistically needed financially to get myself to a point where I could take care of myself.  I let go of the guilt I felt about the idea that I needed alimony to get me on my own two feet in a lifestyle that was sustainable long-term.  

I had a good attorney who kept me calm, reassured me and told me to ignore the tactics my ex’s horrible lawyer was using to try to rile things up and scare me.  A good lawyer is key but your own mindset is just as important!!!  You must be able to advocate for yourself.  You must know what you want!!  You must be realistic, knowledgeable and come from a non-emotional place!  The financial aspect is the ‘business of divorce,’ and looking at it like this can save you both a drawn out fight that ruins your co-parenting relationship and large legal bills.   

My research and preparation set me up to go into mediation knowing what type of settlement I believed was fair and gave me the chance to rebuild and get on my own two feet.  My wish is for everyone who steps into a meditation room to be as informed, prepared and confident as I was.