Newsletter for June

In the midst of the change and turbulence of divorce, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and fearful of what lies ahead.  However, I am always working with my clients to adopt an Abundance Mindset.  This is a way of looking at the current situation with a belief that there is still good ahead and divorce does not define you or what your future will look like.  Many times when we hear an Abundance Mindset we think monetary situations but it can extend far beyond financial wealth to encompass joy, personal development, and fulfilling relationships.  

I am not advocating false positivity, skipping the grieving process or denying the challenges that lie ahead but I am encouraging awareness of unhealthy thought patterns and self-talk that can lead to a place of fear and paralysis.

Abundance Mindset vs. a Poverty Mindset with divorce:

See Possibilities and Opportunities Post-Divorce

Focus on Limitation and Risks Post-Divorce

Starting from scratch can be seen from two sides of the same coin, either focusing only on what you are losing and the risks that lie ahead or the opportunities this offers for you to grow, become more empowered and be the captain of your own ship.  Begin to visualize what you want your future to look like, this is an opportunity to turn over a new leaf.

Embrace this time as an opportunity to reconnect with your values, aspirations, and dreams. By investing in yourself—physically, emotionally, and spiritually—you’re paving the way for personal growth and empowerment.
 
You never know, this new chapter could foster so many wonderful things.  It could include any or all of the following:
  • Finding a passion for a new hobby or creative endeavor that you would not have tried had you stayed in your marriage.
  • Having career success or starting a business that you were either not able to focus on or even dream about while in your marriage for various reasons.
  • Finding love again that brings out the best in you and helps you heal previous wounds and grow into a space of love and joy you never imagined possible.
  • Traveling to new places and meeting new people that you would not have dared to consider while in your marriage.

Collaborates with Your Co-Parent 

Competes with Your Co-Parent

You can choose to see your co-parent as your enemy, someone whose successes make you feel worse about yourself and your situation. But if you can turn this around to realize that your co-parent is your children’s other parent & role model and find compersion for their wins, you will be happier and can focus on yourself and finding your own joys and wins. You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex.

The happier your ex is, the more they can be present to share love and joy with your children.  When they have financial success, that usually translates into better opportunities and experiences for your children.  

If your ex finds someone else who makes them happier than they were in your relationship, that translates into a happier parent for you kids.  It also means your kids will hopefully see a healthy relationship modeled for them so they can see what a happy relationship with mutual respect and trust looks like.  
 
Developing a healthy co-parenting relationship will make your life easier and better in the long-run in so many ways.  But you have to reach a point of peace with the fact that your ex is moving on and will have positive things come their way and this should not take away from your chances of having happiness, financial success and a happy future relationship as well.
 
It can take time for healing right after the divorce has finished so some of these mindsets will take time to develop.  But the sooner you can get here, the sooner you can move on and begin to build a co-parent relationship that will be best for you and everyone around you.  If you can show up in the co-parent dynamic with encouragement and positivity towards your ex, even horrible ex’s, you are taking the high road and not going down to their level.  Of course, this can take time for you to get here, but you are in it for the long-game.
 
I do realize that some ex’s are not mentally well and they will always try to make your life hell but all you have control over is your actions and reactions.  It can take a lot of mental gymnastics but the more you show up in a healthy way, the higher likelihood that the dynamic will be positive.  All relationships are a feedback loop and you have control over your end of the loop.

Optimally your co-parent wants to work with you as a team to raise healthy and happy children and give them the opportunities to grow into kind and intelligent adults who can take care of themselves, be loving family members and contribute to society in some way.  If both parties can keep the kids well-being front and center, it tends to lead to a co-parent relationship that supports each other…..

Shares Information and Resources with Co-Parent

Hoards Information/Reluctant to Help 

Co-Parent To Prevent Giving Them an Advantage

It is important to agree on expectations very clearly up front, a detailed parenting plan is the first step in this process and then strong communication between the co-parents is best to lock down any details that were not thought of or if the situations change in some way so that everyone is working on the same page.

This includes little things like making sure the other parent receives the information from schools and activities so that they can participate or show up as much or as little as they choose. But no one is hiding information from the other. Sadly some parents want to be the hero and the other parent to look bad and so they try to hoard details as to when kids events or teacher meetings are happening and the ones who suffer the most from this are the kids. As much as you might not like or respect your ex, they are still your child’s other parent and your child wants them in their life. Remember, you chose to have children with this person.

If you believe your ex is a terrible person or has narcissistic tendencies, that is unfortunate but no matter what, do not share your thoughts about them to your children. It is not fair and confuses your kids.

Remember your kid is genetically half that other parent and if you say their other parent is horrible or sick in the head, what does your kid start to think about themselves and their own genetic coding. We all want to protect our kids and the best way to do that is to be there for them if they are struggling with your ex but keep all bad-mouthing to yourself.

Lastly, avoid triangulating your kids! This means that you and your ex are adults and you communicate between the two of you and do not communicate to each other through the kids. Your kids are not messengers and they do not want to be messengers. It puts them in a very uncomfortable position. Sometimes children are parentified in that they feel like they need to take care of one or both parents because the parents cannot be adults and communicate with each other. Avoid this!!! Unfortunately some ex’s are impossible but try everything before you accept any form of triangulation.

Change can be hard for many of us but it is an inevitable part of life and learning to embrace change can be very helpful.  Embarking on post-divorce life can be similar to learning to ride a bike, at first it might seem exciting and scary at the same time.  As you start out, it can feel overwhelming with all the things that you need to set up and get in place and you feel like you might never be able to do it

Embraces Change

Fears Change

You might have one or two falls that make you doubt why you ever even thought you would be able to do it but dust yourself off and get back on the bike. After a bit of time and practice with being on your own, you start to build skills and processes and you have moments where you feel really good about yourself and this new chapter. With these empowering moments, you gain confidence in your abilities and your new identity.

Now if someone asks you if you can ride a bike, you can say yes, I can and I am getting better each day. Of course, I wobble a bit here and there but that is normal and some days I still feel a little bit scared as I get on the bike but I know that with each day, I am getting better and feeling stronger. Just keep pedaling!

 

Finds Others Success Inspiring

Find Other Success Intimidating

Comparison can be beneficial as a motivator but if you constantly find yourself comparing your life to others, it is only going to bring you down. This is very hard in today’s social media world but if you can keep it front and center that social media is the highlight reel of everyone’s life, it will save you a lot of grief. This is your journey and it will inevitably look different than anyone elses journey.

You never know what is going on behind closed doors, so when you catch yourself comparing and thinking that others have it better or easier than you in any aspect of life, try to reign it back in. We all have our obstacles in life. It is how we face and deal with those obstacles that is the true test and what we should be focused on. Let others’ success be an inspiration for what you want to achieve in your future, recognizing that if they were able to get there, then it is attainable for you.

Defaults to Rapport and Builds Trust

✘ Defaults to Suspicion and Scared to Trust

After being hurt or coming out of a challenging relationship, we can all feel gun-shy and a bit distrustful of others or even not sure if we can trust our own intuition and gut feelings. It is normal to need time to heal and regain your center after a marriage ending so be patient and give yourself grace. But it is important to keep your heart open and believe in the power of humanity rather than becoming too cynical or jaded. It is a fine balance that can feel like a tightrope to walk along and this is understandable. Trust but Verify!

For those who have experienced betrayal in a marriage, fear of trusting is highlighted even more because the person you trusted the most is the one who hurt you the most. But time helps heal and exploring yourself and meeting other people helps to remind you that not all people are bad or are going to stamp on your heart.

As scary as it can feel to put yourself out there, it is important to push yourself. Getting comfortable being uncomfortable is part of the process of growth. It can apply to trying a new hobby, joining a support group, trying an activity that pushes you, going on a first date or committing to a new relationship. The concept applies in so many situations and you have to learn to trust yourself again and then others.

It is a continuous process too, we are constantly re-evaluating the dynamics in new friendships or relationships to figure out what is working and what might need some tweaking or things you were comfortable with for a while might now not feel good anymore. Learning how to create and hold boundaries might be new for you and constantly checking-in with yourself and your gut will be crucial.

Live Abundantly!

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