Welcome everybody back to seasons ebb and flow. I am Lee Wright . Thank you for joining us today. I will be interviewing Tina Keys today. She is a divorce coach and a mediator here in Central Florida. and she has various certifications which I will. 

She will share a little bit more about in a second. And today we’re going to be speaking about being a step parent, especially a stepmom. And we’re going to talk a little bit about both coming into a relationship where you don’t have kids and your partner does. and then talk a little bit about having kids when you’re already have some stepkids and creating that blended family. And what that process can look like, and the challenges and rewards with that whole process. So before we get dive right in. I’m just gonna turn it over to Tina and ask her to tell us a little bit about how she got to where she’s at today, what path she took to become a divorce coach. What led her to that in the mediation Tina. Hi, thanks, Lee. 

Yes, I’m Tina Keys. I have a business. Florida divorce, coaching, and mediation. I, in my prior career, was in the financial world, had a bookkeeping business for small businesses for a very long time. and became a stepmom. During that time I’ve been a stepmom now for over a decade. And that is really what led me into this line of work wanting to help families get through the divorce process with less conflict, less expense, less stress and ultimately less trauma for the kids. That’s what I’m about. Mostly what I do is pro se mediation, which means working with parents together. Most of my clients don’t have lawyers and just helping guide them through the divorce process in a very traditional way. That is super low conflict. Low cost keeps them out of court and helps them learn how to coparent better. So that’s really what I’m about. I also work with people individually as a divorce coach, as you know. and then I work especially with special needs, families as well, who need to have a lot more detail in their parenting plans, and really take that time to work through all of that together and get on the same page. How did you end up with kind of that specialization along with everything else? Yeah. So I have. One of my sons is neurodivergent, and that’s been something that as a parent has been challenging, but also rewarding, and just come to find through many conversations with professionals in this space, how under supported families are who have children with unique and different needs. So that’s just. It’s a passion of mine, you know. All my continuing education right now is really focused on special needs. understanding what different families are going through and trying to help support them. You know, if there’s any family that needs to get through divorce with a low cost and less conflict. It’s a family with a special needs or disabled child, because those resources would be much better spent elsewhere. Yeah, absolutely. That’s. Really what I’m about. Yes, yeah. 

I feel like for all parents the concept of trying to save all that money from going to lawyers to keep your family money with your family and not using lawyers generally will keep that money in the family much more than once. You include lawyers a lot of times, it just snowballs. So yeah. Yeah, I think for me, it’s like I, you know, my goal is just to help parents learn how to talk to each other again in a more professional manner, and I think, unfortunately, even with the most well meaning attorneys. Sometimes just that setup of one lawyer talking to another lawyer, and the parents, not necessarily talking to each other, just create a strange dynamic. It just makes it hard for people to learn how to even talk to each other at all after a divorce, so. Yeah, it takes so long for many couples to learn how to coparent after going through an adversarial divorce, and it doesn’t have to be like that. So. Right. Yeah. all right. So today, we’re going to talk a little bit about step parenting, which is a topic that I think doesn’t get discussed as much as it should, because it’s a very specific role. And there’s a lot of dynamics involved. And so maybe we can start out just talking about how you came into your current relationship. You didn’t have kids, but he had kids. And what that the transition felt like for you as a a young new stepmom. Yeah, so yeah, my son, my stepsons. Call them my sons that you know I’ve been in their lives since they were and They’re now , almost , which is impossible to believe at this point that I almost have an adult stepson. And then we have biological sons together as well. Now and almost So boys all the ages, all the life stages right now. But yeah, they were. They were and , and I was I was very young. I had never been married, never had kids had been in a long term relationship prior almost years. That didn’t end well, and then live in a single life, you know, working own a business, doing my thing. Met my husband. He told me night one when I met him. I have kids, and my st question was, Can I see pictures of them? You know it was? I didn’t even for me it wasn’t like a negative. It was always a positive. I always wanted to be a mom and have a family, and and like there was never a I never viewed it negatively at any point. it was always a positive. I like that. He was sort of established in that role, and his children were so important to him, you know. And it was a pretty. I would say, easy introduction process early on, like we really just me, and the kids bonded very quickly and easily. Early on it never felt forced or challenging from that standpoint. Yeah. I think is not the case for a lot of families, but I think because they were so young. They were very receptive to me, which was wonderful. And then I just sort of almost overnight, you know, went from being this sort of single year old, with no responsibilities to all of a sudden. You know time sharing parenting plan, holiday schedule, you know certain communication protocols and rules, and exchanging with the ex spouse, and, you know, trying to navigate all that was like very overwhelming. I think that’s. People don’t really talk about enough how. That’s just a jarring shift right? And like. You know. Where. There’s a lot of complexities. There is. And when you’re a biological parent, you sort of have this ramp up time. You have this like month period. And there’s this whole like, you know, books. And you listen to podcasts. And you learn how, what is it gonna look like with the newborn stage? And then. 

Yes. You have the newborn, and you realize you don’t actually know anything, and then you have to figure it all out as you go. And that’s kind of the same thing with step parenting. You don’t really know until you’re in it, and then you’re just sort of constantly trying to navigate each new phase. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. We’re sometimes I would imagine it’s easier if the relationship your partner’s relationship with his ex is very amicable. Was it overall a challenging dynamic like with her accepting you coming into the picture. How would. I don’t know about it. I don’t think it from accepting me coming into the picture. I don’t see that as being an issue at all. I think. Their coparenting dynamics were a bit challenging overall as far as why, or you know who or whatever I don’t generally get into those details publicly. And I think you know, with any story there’s always sides. And then there’s somewhere in the middle is the truth right? And that’s how I look at my role now as a mediator, too, when I talk to parents. It’s he said, she said. And then what’s kind of what can we pull from this? That’s probably the reality. I think any blended family has its challenges, you know you have. And this is one of the things that I really think is important to talk about. You know, when you come into a dynamic as a step parent, right? There was a relationship that existed that established a certain type of household structure. Hierarchy rules, ways of doing things, bedtimes, expectations, value systems. You know religious practices. Whatever it may be right. You have this sort of system that was set up by people. And then there’s children that came from that system, and then the marriage ends right. And so now each person after that marriage ends carries on then, their own kind of modified version of that initial family system. Right? They might take parts they liked. They leave the parts they didn’t. And then there’s usually they’re not like exactly the same. So there’s already maybe some conflict between how each person runs their household. Yeah. And then now enter a new step. Parent who. as an adult human right, has a certain right to run their own household in their own life the way that they see fit or appropriate for themselves, and that may or may not align to fully to what you know their new partner is doing, and certainly might not align to what their new partner’s ex partner might be doing right. And so now you’ve got sort of adults, you know, with different opinions on what it looks like to run a household. And that’s really hard. Yeah, it’s really hard, because sometimes you know it it as a step parent, it can constantly feel like you’re compromising your own way, that you want to do things in your house because of this system that was already established before you, that you had no say in. and that is very contrary to. When you create a marriage with a person, have children together and stay together. You guys are % in control of that system. Yes. And it inherently leads to conflict. It’s really, I mean, even the best of cases. Absolutely. There’s even in married couples challenging dynamics. Sometimes, you know, parenting people have different discipline styles under the same roof and having to navigate coming to an agreement on how you want to manage that. So then, in divorced couples, you have that as well. It’s just, and I remind my clients that you didn’t always have control over your spouse’s choices or decisions. When you lived under the same roof, you’re going to have even less control over how they parent when they’re in a separate household, and you have to learn to handle your own control desires and accept that your children are gonna have possibly very different household when they go to their their new, their ex, your ex partner. And there’s pros to that as well like I look at it. I know my household is run very differently than my exes, and his new wife stays home. She spends a lot of time in the kitchen, and, like that is the dynamic in their household, and I have a much more. I work, and I have a much in some respects tighter relationship with my kids. but I also give them a lot of free rein in many ways that maybe he keeps things a little tighter, and I feel like, well, now, my kids are exposed to very different parenting styles, very different household styles, and the more exposure you have in life, the more choices that you now are aware of, so that you can make really smart choices for yourself when you get older on how you want to run your household. So I like to remind people that we can look at something as a negative, or you can see the silver lining. And but yeah. running households and parenting with discipline and bedtimes minutia stuff can. It can be very interesting just figuring that out. And I think the communication between the partners on navigating that is is really important. Yeah, I think there’s like a. So I’m very much like a type, a personality. I like to kind of have things a certain way and run a certain way, and that I was very much like that when I met my husband, and I had to let go of a lot of things over the years, I think. I’ve learned what my role looks like in their lives. I think that it’s changed as the years have gone on, obviously between age and age or , just like they do as a biological parent. But I think, like it’s not as It’s not as clear or obvious like when you’re a step parent trying to figure out like, what am I supposed to be doing here? I think, for somebody like me. You know, I’ve always been a a type, a high achiever type personality, right? And I don’t mean high achiever like, Oh, look at my resume. I mean like I have a really high expectations for myself, I don’t, you know. Excuse my French half ass things that’s not my temperament. It’s not who I what I represent in any area of my life. So when I became a stepmom, of course, naturally, I was like, I’m going to be the best stepmom that ever lived right? Because that’s how I am. And I put tons of pressure on myself always to rise to that, because it’s just who I am for better or worse, and for worse, off. Okay. To be honest with you, I put a lot of stress on myself. It’s just who I am. As a person. I think a lot of people can relate to that. A lot of moms. Absolutely trying to do it all. Do too much. Yeah. And so I think you know, as a stepmom, I was, you know, cooking the the meals every night, making sure the laundry was done, checking the homework sheets, doing the things, trying to be all the things that I thought I needed to be when they were with us. And I burned. I was burning out constantly. Yeah. To be honest with you, especially once we had biological children. I was like very burnt out, and I think I can imagine on the other side. Probably their mom felt kind of like, you know, she’s trying to do all the things I’m supposed to be doing, and it was never that intention, but it was just me wanting to show up for them and make them feel loved and like they are my family, regardless of blood, like I care for them, and I’m going to always be here for them. But I do believe there’s a lot of that friction that can happen in those family dynamics, because the line is not clear, like when you’re a biological mother, there’s no line. You decide you do what you do, you, if. Yeah. Down in front of your kids. You’re just like oops, you know. Sorry they still love you unconditionally. It’s you know. you generally don’t know what you’re doing, and you just figure it out as you go. But there’s no one there to like. Watch you struggle right? And when and they’re young, but when you inherit a relationship with children like Day one, they’re impressionable. and years old. They’re looking at you like, who are you? What are you doing in my life? And like it’s that constant like, should I love you? Do you deserve my love? That’s what I was telling myself, which. Right. What they were feeling, but in my like. If I don’t do everything perfect, then they won’t love me, and then I won’t have my husband, and I’ll lose everything that I’ve built. This sort of weird psychological. you know thing I think, for stepmoms that they don’t ever like. They’re always scared relationship will fall apart if the relationship it falls apart, and it is. Right. Honestly, it really is especially early on when you haven’t built that foundation with the children. Really deep foundation which gives them security. Yeah. Secure. Sure those abandoned. Probably we all have them to some degree, and those that is definitely a trigger. Yeah, because I think there’s a reality when you’re a biological parent that, like those kids are legit dependent on you until they are out of school like they be without you, because they rely on you. And, by the way, legally, they also have to be with you. Right? So there is a sense of kind of. you know. Security like you said, and stability and comfort in that where you feel like you can make more mistakes. And there’s they’re not going anywhere. But when you’re a step parent, your role is not guaranteed. And that relationship with the kids can actually cause massive turbulence in your marriage. If it’s not good. Yes, absolutely. Beer, I think. to screw up and then be hated. And you know there’s already a weird stigma a lot of times for stepmoms like. Totally.

 There in the world. So it’s just. It’s It’s it’s honestly, it’s been the most challenging role of my life by. I felt very misunderstood at many turns. I felt lost a lot of the time. It’s just been really a difficult role to manage. It’s been one of the most rewarding things I’ve done in my life. My stepsons are my favorite of my favorite people, and I mean they’re awesome. And then, knowing that I’m a part of who they’ve become, and their story is just awesome. Yes. It’s been a road, I mean internally for me. It’s been quite a road to this point. Yeah, yeah, I am actually a newer step parent. Because my boyfriend’s daughter to just moved in with us about months ago. So I am in the early days of adjusting and overall. It’s going really well, and I have a year old daughter who lives with us so. Yeah. I went from one teenage daughter to teenage girls under the same roof, and it’s luckily they get along wonderfully, and the adjustment has been really smooth, considering it was, it happened, very unexpectedly. And the it there have been like. The adjustment has been more than anything. Me and my boyfriend have very different parenting styles. He comes from a conservative background, just a very culturally from Latin America, just a a different style of parenting in some respects, and we knew that we had different parenting styles long before she moved in here, and we discussed those differences, and I had read a book when my kids were young, called Free Range Kids, which was all about giving them a lot of freedom and long leashes. When you feel they’re ready, and my kids have very long leashes, and have most of the time lived up to that, so I didn’t have to rein them in. But it’s not probably the more typical American style parenting, either. But we’ve had, you know, a lot of conversations. And He didn’t have a teenager living with him for a long time, and just him getting his head around. The difference between parenting teenagers and younger kids is very. Oh, yeah. Very different. So yeah, it’s it’s something that you just have to constantly process and work together and hear each other’s different sides. And obviously the the blood parent generally gets the final decision for their child, but at least I think it’s really important to respect where each person is coming from and hear each other out because you do. I’ve adapted and changed my parenting slightly from his influence, and vice versa, but as a relationship. Be better off for it. Honestly, they’ll probably be happier because of that, you know. and. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I was definitely fortunate in that, you know, with my husband. He! In his prior marriage he was. He was the step parent in that dynamic. And so I think that helped us in our marriage, because he understood some of the stuff that I was going through emotionally, where I can imagine that had he not experienced it, he might not have understood a lot of. Yes. And so I think that actually did help us. So I I would, you know, encourage people who, if you’ve got a partner coming into a dynamic as a step parent, especially if they don’t have their own kids like to really understand that this is not a role that anybody gets trained for it is very hard in the same way that you know, when you become a biological parent nobody really trains you for it. It’s all the things like. How many times do you? You know you’re walking to the grocery store, and you hear somebody? I would never do that. My kid would never behave like that. And I’m like. Oh, gosh, yeah. Likewise pregnant woman. Just wait. Call me in years. Let me know how that’s going, because that’s how it is. Right, like you think you know everything before you have kids. And then you have kids. And then you’re like, Wow, okay, this is really hard. It’s really tough. Step, parent the same thing. You come into something. You didn’t have the luxury of those years to figure all that stuff out. And now you you just don’t know what you don’t know, and you’re trying to, you know, navigate it the best you can, and a lot of times, especially if you’re marrying into a dynamic that already has conflict or communication challenges. That’s hard, because you’re kind of already set up to fail in a way like, you know, even if you have the the best motive, and you want to try, and you know, be friendly and do all the right things. Yes. Unfortunately, you’re walking into something that maybe is not set up to be conducive to that. And I think that happens to a lot of people, you know. Fortunately, it’s just their dynamic is not functional. And so then you coming into it just makes everything even worse. And that’s not helping anything but you just have to learn to navigate it the best way you can. Yes. Yeah. But I’ve definitely learned a lot of lessons over the years about. You know, it’s okay not to be perfect. Taking that pressure off of myself. And it’s okay not to be everything to them, like everything to them. Do you know what I mean? As far as like, it’s okay, if if something, you know, if I just kinda let it be and let the parents figure it out like, I don’t need to be the one driving these conversations. Yes, yeah, it comes back again to control. Like, okay, this is something that I don’t need to have control over. And it’s not easy to remind your like. You have to consciously remind yourself of that periodically, because we’re so used to like managing everything in our little world. And do you have strong opinions, or but sometimes you just have to rein yourself in and be like that. I don’t need to handle that. It’s just I can support, without giving my cents. And I got to a place with my with my stepsons, too, where I I felt like we. We built a certain foundation in the relationship where I kind of learned that it’s okay to be vulnerable in that relationship and to not be perfect all the time. There were a lot of years when they were younger, where I felt like I had to be perfect. One weeks. Yeah. I could never, you know, cry in front of them. I could never show weakness. I could never, you know, because I didn’t want them to think that I, wasn’t worthy of of their love or a place in their lives. Think! And that was that pressure I was putting on myself. I’m sure they didn’t feel that way at years old, but I. Right. Was telling myself this, and you know, I think the more pressure I took off of myself, the stronger our relationships actually got. And and you know. relationship. Now, you know, they’re teenagers. It’s I’ve kind of stepped out of a lot of things, and I’m sort of there just more as an advisor, and I help, you know, if they ask me for help. I’m there, they know, like if I they know if they call me , in the morning. I don’t care where you are like, they know I’m going to show up. Yeah, we got more. But I’m also not trying to insert myself in places where I don’t need to be at this point in their lives. And I think that’s you just have to find your own path to like. What a healthy dynamic looks like for you. Yes. It’s definitely not gonna be linear. It’s gonna be. Oh, yeah. it’s a learning process. God. It’s an iterative process. You try and you learn, and you change tax. And even the way you and your partner discuss things or figure out parenting. That’s an iterative process together as well. And and I definitely think it’s really healthy to avoid the perfection and shoot more for I’m a human being. I’m a full human being. I have a range of emotions, and you do, too, and we both have, you know, full rights to be human to make mistakes. That’s how we learn. And I think everybody’s better. If if we acknowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes or not be perfect, like a good example even recently for me is. I’ve been running my household with my kids, and I have them mostly full time, because their dad doesn’t live in the country. So since they were like and , they’ve been with me full time, and now they’re and , and so running a household, mostly single. There are lots of things that I was like. I will burn out if I try and do everything. So once they got into high school. 

It’s really early mornings I was like, I do not need to wake up with you guys. You can make yourselves breakfast and get yourself off to school, and they did, and they did it well. And I was fine. With that I knew other moms got up with their kids, but that was not something that I could manage. I needed my sleep, and but now my boyfriend likes to wake up and make them breakfast and make their lunch and send them off to school, which I think is amazing. And I’m really happy that he likes doing that. And there’s a tiny part of me that had to be like, okay, it’s okay. You don’t look like a slacker, even if you feel like you do. Yeah. Those conscious decisions for the best, because I’m a better mom when I have a good amount of sleep, and I probably need more sleep than most people, and I just had to accept that. And so but it definitely. There’s like a little like ego pride where I’m like, oh, man, like, am I looking like? Really bad? And then I’m like, Nope, I did. What was I made the decisions that was best for me in that life situation, and things have changed, and it’s wonderful that my daughter now gets breakfast made for her and her lunch packed in the morning. So but yeah. And I think, like as parents and step parents like you, just really, at the end of day you have to back yourself and just know, like this is who I am, and you know I’ve now learned the older you know I’m now I’m more seasoned in my life in general than you know. When I was a young stepmom I barely even knew who I was, fully let alone. Who am I as a stepmother? Right. Yeah. And again, like, you know. I think I’ve learned now that every day that you, you know, it’s really about showing up and showing up authentically as who you are and and what you represent, and the kids will see that, and they will sort all that out when they’re older. They will take the good from you, and they will take the good from their mom, and they will take the good from their dad and from their stepdad, and they will absorb the things that are meaningful to them, and they will discard the things that don’t work for them. And that’s like any, whether you’re a parent, biologically, or a step. Parent like that is just the reality of raising children. They are adults a lot longer than they are children, and so, and they are not going to necessarily subscribe to every belief system that you have and every way of doing things that you do them, you know. So you know, and this is what I would encourage to stepmoms is. There’s a difference between trying to control everything and trying to, you know, steamroll, the processes that are in place and also setting boundaries for, like what you need things to look like within your household. It’s okay. Your house doesn’t have to be just like the exwife’s house, because her kids live with you half the time, right like. That’s not fair to you as an adult who is working hard to pay the bills. Who’s like trying to, you know. Do whatever you need to do to manage your household. You cannot, you know, subscribe to someone else’s belief systems just like I don’t expect my stepsons or my biological children to live their lives exactly as I do when they’re a. Sure. Right and like you, said Lee. I think like there’s something to be gained from having different households and lifestyles and way of viewing things. If all the adults in the room can have that mindset where it breaks down is when people, when children get that messaging from parents, that one parent’s way is wrong. You’re crazy. And that makes it hard for them. To reconcile, because then they’re like, well, something’s wrong with my parent. There must be something wrong with me. And so that’s where we get this kind of snowball effect. But and I think a lot of people do that unintentionally. I don’t think it’s on purpose right, but I think. Yes. Unfortunately. Yeah, it’s so important for the step parent and the parent parents in both houses not to make negative comments about the other households. It. Just, it’s so detrimental to the kids, it confuses them. And yeah, they’re genetically related to both parents. And so I it, that is something that just every parent needs to remind themselves like you might not agree. But that doesn’t mean that you need to tell your kids it’s wrong. Hmm! But also I would say, too, like, you’re gonna probably make mistakes, and your things are. Inevitably. They’re gonna slip, because I will tell you they slip in an intact marriage. I’ve been married. I’ve been with my husband for almost years, and I have certainly said things to my kids like, Oh, my gosh! Why does your dad do this vice versa like this is just human nature like, and I. Yes. Are high kids are generally more sensitive to that when there’s a divorce in the mix. But screw up, you’re not. Yes. Right all the time. And when you do, then at that point, you’re just like you know what I shouldn’t have said that I’m sorry like that. Yeah, exactly. Kind of over the line, and I. And I think it’s there’s a difference between saying like, Oh, why does your dad do that? But there’s no animosity, or like you’re trying to throw them under the bus. You’re just like, I don’t really like. See how they why, they made that decision versus like there’s a way that you say things that makes it like they are so wrong, like, I don’t agree and cause it’s healthy. And we’re all gonna have different styles that’s normal, or but as long as we respect those differences, that’s that’s where I think the difference lies. So do you want to tell us a little bit about what it was like. Having your own kids and stepkids under one roof, cause that’s Yeah. Whole nother, unique situation. Right? Yeah. So it was, yeah. So I I think I’m trying to think back timeline wise. We were together for a few years when we got married. Like all in, it’s been years. But I would say, my my relationship with the boys is already pretty well established before we had kids together. I, we we’re trying. We had a couple of miscarriages, and that was tough and then we had, which is challenging. When you’ve got older kids and you lose a child during a pregnancy, explaining that to them that was tough because they were excited. You know. Sure. That was a. It’s kind of a life lesson for them that we didn’t intend to have to teach them. But yeah, that happened, and then we ended up having my son, who’s almost , and it was wonderful, from the standpoint that the boys like really took to him, and, you know, had a really good relationship. It was really hard, though, for me like to balance everything I will say like being a new mom. Period is hard. Yeah. You know, having a child having, 

you know, in my case, a very difficult birth. And then everything that comes along with trying to learn how to be a parent for the st time to a newborn. We at that point already had, you know, the older boys who were both, I think, in elementary school at that point. you know, trying to manage that schedule, and still, you know, have a newborn. Have older kids. I think that’s hard, whether they’re your biological kids or stepson. Absolutely And then I struggled, too, sometimes with this feeling of like I you know, I was very hyper aware of the fact that I didn’t want them to feel like I loved my son more than I loved them. Sure. And that was really hard to try to figure out how to convey that, but then not be like over the top, over the top. Thank you. Yes. And there’s this kind of inherent, you know, babies are cute, and people are like oh, you know all of that. Yeah, they get so much attention, even when they’re when they’re all your blood children like you. Yeah, I felt sad when I brought my daughter home for my son, because I knew he was young. He was only like it was gonna be really hard, and it was he would tell me to put her down all the time like like. Right. Baby. Down. So yeah. And and what had ended up happening again. Lee is like my high achiever over indexing personality came out again, and because I had so much anxiety about. you know, being perceived as loving that child more than them which I didn’t. The love is different, I would say, I will say, as a biological parent. It’s a different relationship, for sure. But in some ways there’s almost more meaning to the love you have for your stepchildren, because you chose them. Yeah. And your biological child. You create it, and you like, in a sense, almost have to love them. It’s a different dynamic. So I wouldn’t say one is more than the other. I think they’re just different. Right? Yeah, but I was so hyper fixated on like not letting them ever feel lesser than that. I was obsessively showing up to everything, still trying to cook all the meals, show up to all the practices I was drag. I would bring my son in the baby stroller to every football game, every practice. I mean. I was like everywhere, because I never wanted them to feel like oh, now she doesn’t show up to anything because she’s. Right. But then I was freaking, exhausted. Yeah. So exhausted. I was like running myself ragged, and it was just. And then once I had the second one. Oh, my! Gosh! Worse? Because. Yes. Like, and we moved to. So we move households. I was like trying to move, have a newborn, a toddler who is also very hyperactive, due to being neurodivergent. And like that, he’s had his own set of challenges. Wow! Over to where, you know, in middle school, and we had, by the way, Covid happened in between all of that. So that was its own whole. the state work from homes, school, all that. So yeah, just try, like, obsessively trying to show up to things to make sure that they didn’t ever feel lesser than I definitely burnt myself out. I think that’s something that probably a lot of stepmoms can identify with, because you never want to make anyone feel undervalued or unvalued. But meanwhile you’re like what I’ve come to learn now is it’s okay to just be honest and say, Hey, I can’t make this because. Yeah. Other responsibilities or other commitments, or, to be honest with you, I am exhausted and. Yeah. Can’t make it happen. But let’s do xyz tomorrow to make up for that. Up to out of games. They’re still gonna love you. Yes. If you don’t show up to all Do you know what I mean? Like I I just I think that’s something that I I wish more people would know like, it’s okay to not be perfect. They’re still gonna love you. Absolutely. They’re not gonna hate you because of that. Yeah. Oh! And you know, I think teenagers, especially like they need a lot of sleep. They lie around all the time. Yeah. They see you like running around with it like a chicken without a head, and then that you’re just so exhausted because you’re trying to do everything that you’re not even able to enjoy when you’re there, or something like. and you if they don’t, if you can easily have conversations with them and say, like. I want to show up, and I love you and support you. But I need to rest too, because I am getting depleted, like I think it’s so important whether you’re a step parent or a parent that you communicate honestly with your kids and recognize that we’re human beings. We’re not robots. We don’t have endless energy. We get older, and you know, they can understand. And it’s healthy for them to not expect us to be able to do it all. And so I think it’s just part of being human. I’ve learned to outsource things to that. I just don’t have the bandwidth, for I think that’s something like I, you know, because my career is really important to me. That’s something, you know, and building this business now over the last few years, in addition to running another company and having children spread through various age demographics like. I’ve had to have that conversation with myself that it is okay to not do everything. And so. you know, I have a a like a meal delivery service that delivers the meals, for you know my husband and I and the older kids, and then the younger ones are still in the chicken nuggets, and you know. I. things age group. So that’s a little bit, you know, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and like other foods, and then other. 

Yes. And it’s an argument, and you know what. I don’t have the bandwidth for that argument. So at this point it’s chicken hot dogs, and it won’t be in years. But right now it is, and that’s okay. And. Exactly. Mad is like I’ve had to learn as not only a step parent, but as a mother, as a human period, right but definitely as a step parent, that it’s okay to not check every box. Yes. Because the this value that you’re providing is not like the only thing like that’s not what makes people love you. It’s making them feel loved, and showing up for them emotionally. Yes. There. You know, for the fun moments and all of that, and if all you’re doing is running yourself ragged, then you can’t really be present for that stuff. So. Exactly. Yeah, I think that’s a really important lesson for any mom stepmom woman period. But definitely, when you’re juggling as many things, you know, it’s funny, like sometimes when I talk to people be like, Oh, yeah, I have. You know, kids, are my stepsons. They’re teenagers, and then are younger. And then I’ve got companies. I start like listing up just like my normal life to introduce myself. And they’re like Whoa, that’s like a lot. And I’m like, I guess it is. But when you’re in it you don’t think about it. You’re just kind of like grinding through the days. But yeah, it’s okay. Like, if you have a lot on your plate and you’re managing a lot, it’s okay to to not do it. All. You know. Yes. For help in the spaces where you just cannot Think one more thing like it’s just too much. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it’s important to find that balance like trial and error for each of us. And it changes as your kids get older. I’m just looking to see if there’s anything else that I didn’t ask you. Is there anything any last tidbits that you’d like to throw in, be on this topic, and we’ve covered a lot. Yeah, I mean, I think I would just like my overarching message to people is to be kinder to yourself. And I think there’s something, too, that I would say if by chance there’s, you know, a a mom exwife out there somewhere who ends up stumbling on this video. Give the stepmom the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean like. Don’t assume the worst. Yes. Don’t assume that she’s trying to overstep. Don’t assume that she’s, you know, trying to do something nefarious like this is just like, if you think back to when you st became a parent, how hard that was, and how many mistakes you made, and how imperfect you were in those moments, and how had to give yourself like it’s the same for a new step parent, whether stepmom or stepdad. I you know, Lee, I’m gonna be honest with you like stepdads get a lot more. Grace generally. Oh, for sure! Kind of like, and society views stepdads differently than step moms. I’ll be honest. Yeah. The expectations of what they should shouldn’t be doing are just so much easier in general. Yeah, I think for stepmoms. There’s it’s like it’s like a damned if you do. Damned if you don’t right love them unconditionally. But don’t love them too like. Don’t show too much love or step. Right. Things like. Yeah, I’m trying. But not more than the biological parents, like. Yes. It’s all these things that it’s really hard to balance. And I think, you know, when when stepmoms cross that line or go into the the corners. Maybe they’re not supposed to be into. I think a lot of times. It’s I don’t think it’s malicious in most cases. 

I’m sure. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Think that’s the majority. I think it would probably be the best case scenario if all the parents were amicable enough to sit down together and have an open conversation about that. But unfortunately, that’s usually not the case. you know, but but just like, give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t like assume the worst. I tell this to my parents, too. When I do. You know divorce mediation, I say that to them a lot of times we actually write it into the agreement for parents to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. Assume that whatever their child is telling them is actual reality, because or sometimes it’s skewed. Right. I think that would be, you know, a lot happier, more more happy, blended families, if everybody would just not assume the worst every time anything happens, and that goes all directions. I’m not. Saying, exwife to step, mom, I’m saying, like ex partners to each other, you know. And so. %. Yeah. And I can speak to the adjusting to having my ex have his girlfriend, who then became his wife. And I. There’s definitely all those different emotions that come up when your kids are meeting them for the st time and insecurities about, are your kids gonna love them more, and they’re not. And but those are normal emotions that you’re going to have to deal with in process and And and now it didn’t take too long. But we’re very amicable. We do holidays together, and that was like a really big priority for me. And there are so many things that I just choose your battles and choose not to handle or to keep that amicable relationship, and like, even now, I acknowledge that she is a very good cook, and she spends a lot of time in the kitchen, and I know when my kids are there they get really probably way more delicious meals. I cook. But I cook simple and basic and healthy. But and you know, I have to just be okay with the fact that I know my kids probably like their meals there slightly better, or maybe a lot better, for all I know and and they will when they come back to my house. Sometimes they’ll be like, Oh, you should ask Bella for this recipe, or whatever. And and I just am like, Okay, I will, and realize that my kids love me for who I am and what I offer, and it’s totally different than the things she probably offers. And it’s more people to love them and role model different things to them, and in many respects more is better as long as they’re being treated well and loved and. %. They need a village as they go through their life right? Like the more people you have to support you in life, the easier your path generally is. Yes. And like you said, so long as there’s no like nefarious or malicious activity going on, which again, I think a lot of times. you know, things can be taken out of context or misconstrued, and it’s so important as adults to be able to be doing our own work and our own healing and our own path, and figuring out like what you just said. Right? You processing your emotions and saying, Okay. we’re not the same. And we do things differently. And maybe she actually does certain things better. But that’s okay, because I do other things better. And my kids are getting different sets of skills and knowledge and ways to do things. And that’s wonderful for them. There’s nothing wrong with that right. But that’s not easy to do. No, you know. It’s not. And unfortunately, I think not enough. People surround themselves with the right support systems when they’re going through divorce. And so the healing never happens. It doesn’t happen till much later. Yes, you know I’m a big believer that every person going through divorce should have therapists. I tell all my clients like, you know my individual coaching clients like Hey, you should have therapists, I think. You know. Obviously I’m a divorce coach for a reason. I think that people need to have somebody to guide them through making rational decisions, being a sounding board, telling them like when they’re going off the handle being like, wait a minute like rewind like, are we? Is this really the best path, or can we look. Yes. Options. Now. somebody to kind of check them. You know, and and having the right other professionals involved. Unfortunately, a lot of attorneys in this space can stoke the conflict. So, making sure you have one that is not doing that Absolutely. Because I I tell my clients this all the time that divorces start and end the same way, always right. Someone decides to get divorced, and then at the end, you have the final judgment, and you’re done. But that middle ground what happens in between is going to determine the rest of your life and your children’s, and so like a lot of times. Unfortunately, this part totally degrades the coparenting relationship. Yes. And then the healing doesn’t happen, and then the rest of of their lives are riddled with mess that came from this. Absolutely. And that’s why I think having a divorce coach is so important. Because you can. A divorce coach sees so many people through divorce, and if you have an attorney who is stoking or creating this very animosity. angry war, or the other person, you can at least point that out and remind them that they have the ability to respond in certain ways, or possibly talk to their ex and see if they can change the tone. If and I think nobody hopefully goes through more than one divorce. Many people do. But for most of us it’s a time thing, and having someone to guide you without also spending $ an hour to ask your lawyer a question. Free question, yeah. Yeah. Lawyer lawyers don’t want to answer all those questions. They got. No, they don’t, and they don’t want to hear you cry, or your worries about your kids. And so that’s where I feel like divorce coaches really do come in for the cost. It’s so worth what you get out of it. Your return on investment is so worth it, and and I feel like I even sometimes with the emotional piece, I can use personal examples or examples that I’m seeing in other clients, and it just makes your client feel so much less isolated, or that their feelings and experiences are normal. And because divorce tends to be a very isolating process. So yeah, little plug for divorce coaches. Yeah, but you know it’s it’s unfortunately, you see too often that people’s entire like the rest of their lives are defined by the bitterness from a short period. Oh, absolutely! Awfully awful. You get one life you get so many years on this, or if you’re lucky, maybe you get like , you know. I mean, if you live a long life. Good. One. Yeah. That’s like a great life, right? And you see, people spend. you know, decades of that just still. I know. And they agree. I know, yeah. And and it’s so unnecessary. It really is. Yeah, it’s a story that people hold on to that just it hurts them more than anything else. and. Like really none of it at the end of the day, like, no matter what you went through, like, the more that you focus on that, the less. Yes. 

The opposite you’re going to bring into your life, and the less of the opposite you have time for. And so that’s really, I think, you know, when when families blend and there’s new people that get involved, and there’s step parents and so on, like the stuff that you’re talking about, Lee being able to say, You know what. and it might not be in your case. Maybe it’s cooking, but in other people’s cases it might be finances right like. You know what. Hey! That mom’s actually really good at managing finances. And I’m not so good at it, you know. like she could. It’s okay that she gives some advice on that, and that she’s helping. Right. And she’s really good at that, you know. I struggled with that. My whole life, or whatever it is right or like everybody’s got different things they bring to the table. And so we just need to start seeing each other more of it, as one team versus, just like, so you know, Yes. Positional and and. Right. Over the the children and over like what you know we’re bringing in. It’s. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you know, it stems from insecurity and wanting to be loved and or concern that they’re gonna like their that house better or and working on those insecurities and questioning them, and where they? Why we’re holding on to them is, I think. really helpful to kind of squash them when they’re not helping you. So, yeah. Yeah. No. Totally. Again. Well, this was really, I feel like a great interview. We covered a lot of topics and where, if people want to reach out to you with questions, or where would they look for you? Yeah, my website is Florida divorcecoaching.com again, Florida divorce coaching and mediation. And yeah, you can just book with me on there. And I do free consultations. I’ll do that indefinitely, because you never know, even if I’m not a fit for someone. There could be other professionals in my network that are a better fit for them. And I’m always happy to connect someone, because the end of the day my goal is to do. You know as much as I can to prevent trauma for children and to have help. Families have better outcomes, so whether that means connecting them to a lawyer or a therapist, or somebody that you know can help them, or another divorce coach. Quite frankly, if I’m not the right fit for it, because sometimes I’m not, you know. And that’s okay. We all have different strengths, literally speaking, to what we just said, like divorce coaches having this conversation because. Just like. Neither of us view ourselves as competitors to one another. I guess. Technically on paper, are we? Maybe. But there’s enough humans and enough work to go around for everyone, and someone that clicks with you might not click with me and vice versa. And that’s again in the spirit of like taking the good from the different people right? Like concept, we shouldn’t go through like everyone is like a Nemesis, because. Yes. Bad way to go through life. Absolutely. 

We all have something to offer. So. Yes. so I will put all of your contact info in the show notes, so people will be able to find you, and I really appreciate your time. Thank you, everybody for joining us, and we will see you in the next interview. Have a good one until then. Take care. Thanks. Lee. Bye. You’re welcome. Yeah, hold on. We’ll cut this part out, but I don’t see my end. It does. Oh, stop recording. They moved it. Okay. do you want. It definitely does record.